Living life in an IFS way

Living in an IFS way does not mean being completely zen about everything, but there is a hope to find more calm and balance in your system. 

Through IFS therapy we get to know parts of us and realise why they are doing what they do.  Some of them can retire from their jobs, or take some time off, but many of them still need to do their jobs as they have valid information for us, and different parts may have different views on situations. 

Bringing the idea of Self energy to the parts gives them a different perspective so that the aim is for them not to be so extreme in their opinions, they can give their opinion but then step back and listen to other parts' views. 

Self energy is a central observing place, a field of energy where parts can give their opinions about situations and be heard.  All parts are welcome in this field.  The system then weighs up, through the field of Self energy, after hearing from each part's opinion, to which outcome would give the least backlash in the system.  This does not mean no backlash. 

In Dick Schwarz's book 'You're the One You've Been Waiting For' he writes about couples and IFS  and says that often, and in particular for ones that are having problems, there will be some parts that want to be in a relationship and some parts that don't want to be in a relationship and some parts that don't know and can be swayed either way.  This can be the same for many situations. 

For example, a familiar one, 'I want to go to the gym' and 'I don't want to go to the gym' and some parts that don't know.  What often happens is that these arguments between parts whir around in our heads and we don't focus in on these parts.  The parts don't feel heard so they keep shouting to get our attention. 

How can you resolve this? 
Listen to the parts.

1. I want you to go to the gym because I know that it will actually make me feel better after a tough day at work, because I will discharge some energy and get some endorphins flowing.  My hope is that you will feel better. 

2. I don't want you to go to the gym because even though I know you will feel better you have been out 3 evenings in a row and I think you need a night in to recharge your batteries and you will feel better in the long run. 

3. Parts that don't know can be swayed either way.  

First of all, stop, close your eyes if you want, this may help to ground you inside yourself, and just breathe, if you can make a longer out breath like @ 4 counts in and 6 out.  This gives a signal to our nervous system that we are safe.  When parts are in conflict then the nervous system becomes activated.  Breathing is a simple way to bring calm into our system.  Calm is one of the eight C's of Self energy. 

As you begin to feel calmer then invite the conflicting parts in front of you, one in each hand maybe or just a comfortable distance in front of you and take it in turns to see what else they have to say.   Ask what they are hoping for you if you go with their opinion, or what they fear if you do the opposite to what they think. 

Notice your reaction towards these parts, if anything else comes up other than qualities of the eight C's then this may be another part with something to say about the situation, so invite this part to step forward and speak or step back and let you be with the parts.  If it happens again then do the same until you feel one of the eight C qualities. 

Then just sit with it all and see which feels more right for you.  One part might be okay with you doing the opposite with some concessions, like I hear what you are saying so if I go to the gym tonight because there is a deal on, I will stay in tomorrow night. 

Whichever decision you make it will hopefully feel calmer to have made the decision as once the parts have been heard they usually step back with their arguments.  They just wanted to be heard and know that their view has been taken into account. ​