Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) Relationship Therapy
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IFIO is the relationship/couples branch of IFS therapy. In this work the aim is to explore what is going on between the people in the relationship and help them to make more honest and open connection and communication between them. I will use the term couple, but this includes other forms of relationships, including parents and children. The Dance of the Protectors Reactivity and differences of opinions is normal in all close relationships, but sometimes our protective parts step in and sabotage the connection we are really longing for with the other person. Couples usually come to therapy when things have been going wrong between them for a while. There is or has been love in the relationship, but it has been overshadowed by a dynamic that seems to play out between them. In IFIO language we call this dynamic the 'dance of the protectors'. The protectors are parts of us that become triggered when something appears as a threat to the status quo of our system. What is behind this dance? In close relationships the types of threats from the other person, when unpicked, are often connected to our fears, for example, of abandonment, i.e. that the relationship will break down. Unfortunately the behaviour of the protectors usually ends up doing the very thing it wants to protect you from. For example, a protector might decide that in order to prevent the other person abandoning them it is better to defend themselves, this might be going into angry defensiveness, 'if only their partner would understand their point of view'. This, however, may then trigger the other partner to walk away, thus in effect abandoning them in that moment, increasing the fear of abandonment by making it a reality. In IFIO we explore these triggers and unpick them to see what is behind them. Courageous Communication It can take months to work out what is really going on behind the protectors, but it is worth it, because once we have worked out the 'dance of the protectors', and found out who they are protecting, then we will move towards 'courageous communication'. This is when the couple can unblend or separate enough from their protective behaviours and really listen to the other's point of view. Listening to each other's vulnerability rather than their defensiveness. Sometimes it is necessary to do some IFS work with either partner to help them get to this point, I will assess this as I go along and talk with you if it seems necessary. What to expect in a session? These are the sort of questions I will be asking you and the explanations for why I am asking them, written by IFIO therapist Kate Lingren taken from: The Internal Family Systems Couple Therapy Skills Manual by Tony Herbine-Blank and Martha Sweezy. “When your partner does X, what happens inside you?” Explanation: “Your reactivity comes from your vulnerability. If I can help each of you feel less vulnerable and less reactive, you will be aware that you have choices, both individually and together. Rather than focusing on your partner, I will help each of you focus inside, on your vulnerability and on how your parts try to stay safe. I will especially do this in the beginning of the therapy.” “And then what do you notice in your body?” Explanation: “I ask you to notice what’s happening physically when your partner does X because that helps us locate reactive parts who need your help.” “What is your first impulse?” Explanation: I ask you to notice your first impulse because protective parts react to perceived threats by fleeing, fighting, or freezing. When you notice parts who react in one of these ways, they notice you. Noticing you is the first step a part can take to separate, or unblend, from you. As soon as your parts unblend you will feel more spacious, less pressured to respond quickly, better able to help them, and more curious about what other people are experiencing.” “What do you hear yourself saying to yourself about you, your partner, or your relationship?” Explanation: “I ask what you hear yourself saying about yourself and other people because protective parts try to keep us safe by telling us stories. Though they mean well, their stories are usually coloured by past experience and can seriously distort our view of the present. Our aim here is to befriend your storytelling parts and solve this underlying problem of feeling unsafe so they don't have to work so hard. These questions help protectors who have intense feelings to unblend so partners can regulate their Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and speak their truth without attacking or collapsing. Please do get in touch if you have anymore questions about how IFIO therapy might help you and your relationship. 
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